“Coyote And Road Runner”… Cuz It’s A Never Ending Battle…

I realize people have heard of depression… but have you actually experienced it? To my knowledge there is more than one type, and no one has the same experience. Since as long as I can remember, I’ve had depression. Haven’t heard of it being cured. My depression is exhausting but I have prided myself in not taking medicine for it. I’m not a narcotic person. I don’t like the idea of being addicted to something. (Coffee doesn’t count.)
I’ve always been afraid to take med for it. Not putting much research into it, I always wondered if taking it would make my personality different. I’m told that’s not what it does. Psychologist says it might take a bit to kick in… a week or so, and it uplifts your mood. I always figured I have a hormonal in balance… and a weird way of thinking….
As I get older and now I am pregnant, controlling my depression is getting harder. I’ve had postpartum depression after both my girls, but I fought it the best I could. I’m scared it will be worse after my boy is born. I am currently preparing for it, by seeing a psychologist. She says I am a candidate for med after the boy is born and after breastfeeding. To tell you the honest truth, I don’t want the meds. I think I’m nervous.
Depression is beyond exhausting. Mine likes to go in waves. Whatever the matter is that triggers it, I blame myself, then comes the anger, then the blaming and finally the reasoning. Reasoning can come right after or after I have slept… when I can sleep.
It’s always weird thoughts. At the end, I have picked on myself for letting depression alter my brain to think such things of stupidity. Did the issue really need to get that out of hand in my head? Why did I let it go that far?

This is one of my journal entries from a few months ago…. I had to alter it a bit, I said some bad words,……

“Starting to believe that in a relationship both parties can’t love each other the same as the other. That most feelings can be similar but never the same. They have to be different because they have to balance each other out correctly. And no one truly feels completely appreciated these days, do to too much settling over the generations, that to truly see what is in front of you can no longer be seen.
I’m wishing what is going on in my head today is just my depression and not a realization of my reality.
B-day is tomorrow. ‘Peter Pan’ forgot when my b-day is… didn’t realize it was soon til his best friend asked. I know his b-day. He thinks I remember because of it being his email and usernames. Don’t get me wrong… it is seared in my head… but I love that day because it’s the day he was born. If he wasn’t born, he wouldn’t exist and be with me.

We have dated going over two years. We don’t plan on ever parting. Or so we feel. But my depression is killing me inside. He said a few days ago that we would celebrate my b-day on Friday which is today, because he gets paid Thursday and works on Saturday.. my actual b-day. Okay. But I don’t really want anything of cash value. We can’t go out and I don’t want to… I just want to be acknowledged…. we played pokemon go, like our new ritual on Friday mornings…. he slept two hours after that. Then got up for a meeting in Tampa, which has him gone from 1:45 pm til 10 pm… which I did not know til yesterday. How were we suppose to celebrate on Friday if he is not here? Did he forget yet again? Am I forgettable? Such thoughts make me feel unloved, not wanted and just settled for. And welcome the feeling of being under appreciated. Yay me.
I vented… it’s what I do. 75% of the time, it is depression caused by over reacting to a situation that’s not what it truly is. Welcome second guessing… and judgement… if I wasn’t ignored by my parents… would I be more understanding? Why is it parents fault when people are set in their ways of thinking? Is it because those are the first impressions on our life? Or do we always just need to blame them and how they treat us? I complain about no instructions to children… why blame them for learning the hard way like me? Why do they judge me from not learning from their mistakes… when they have yet to realize their mistakes and to accept them first?
Why am I judging a man for stuff he said? I can’t always be held responsible for things I promise and don’t do…. I forget too. It’s life. Or maybe I notice things he doesn’t not… and that’s the way it will always be. Ying and yang are not the exact same… how can we be?

How does someone know if they are truly under appreciated, If they can’t see through others eyes? I can attempt to step in his shoes. I do it quite often. I appreciate him more for the things he does do…. but do I ever notice everything? Most likely not even close.
That’s what I will blame parents for. For always blaming the other parent… for things they don’t care for. Or maybe it is the others fault for not explaining themselves clear enough.”

Holy crap was that exhausting to re-read. I need a nap now. Take that same mind set, and add pregnancy hormones on that.  I am not a jealous person. Since I am pregnant, I am finding that I am have some jealous moments. Its not needed. He isn’t going anywhere. I get mad at things faster. Its becoming a whole lot harder to control and not cry. Best example is, I am the coyote, depression is the road runner….

I figure I’d share, to give you a glimpse into mine, so that some of you know, your not alone. I am seeking help, so I may learn to control it better, in hopes to not keep inflicting my kids with it. I may be the one suffering the hardest, due to the emotional, mental and physical strain it puts on me, but think of how it affects my girls. Its difficult to raise two strong, beautiful and empowered girls when your breaking down at least once a day. It’s not healthy. I will find a way to contain it with time, and possibly medication, no matter how much I prefer not to. if it will make me healthier and better for my kids, I’ll do it. Why, because that’s what a parent does. You cant better your kids, if you don’t better yourself first.

Feel free to comment. So I know i’m not alone. If you have similar experiences, and what helps you.

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