So boss lady says last night, “We need to liven up the blog, something not so serious”…. Fine. I mean I get it, but…. I don’t want to be judged. Funny, epic things happen, then there are embarrassing moments that you wish you could take back, but it’s still funny. You know the moments of, ‘I think there was a way to prevent this, but it happened, I might not be able to fix this…. Oh forget it.’
Don’t judge…. It’s an awesome, horrible story. So here it goes.
Takes place in a small apartment with five-year old child, and pregnant, fat mom….
Finally, I stopped feeling like I was turning into a dragon…(heartburn), and I am starving. I walk from the couch I haven’t been able to get off of to the kitchen where I can see both bedrooms. Room mate has one, child and I have the other. Out of nowhere, while minding my own fat, prego business, small child runs as quick as a bunny from our room to roommates…. There is a bright pink thing in her hand.
Holy poop….. Holy crazy poop on a stick guys….(that’s my nice way of not cursing)..
Lets just remember, that is it a woman’s duty to attend a party of the… umm… an adult party…. Yes, the roomie and I attended one a few weeks before and she bought something from the catalogue.)
At this moment, i had no interruption of prego brain, nor was I having a blonde moment. I know what that was. What do i do? What do i say? How do I fix this? Why did she go into the roomie’s ‘toybox’?????? CRAP.
As she walked out of the roomie’s room, she stopped and finally noticed me.
Child: “Oh, hi mommy, I didn’t see you there”.
Mom: “Umm.. What are you doing?”
Mom: “Nope, nope, nope”, while shaking my head. Do I want to know the answer when she finally tells me? “I think you are not telling the truth, please tell me what you were doing.”
Child: “Umm [roomie’s name], she left something in our room, I was just returning it.”
Mom: “No. that’s not true. She did not leave that in our room, that would never be in our room. Please, stop lying and tell me the truth.”
I asked for it……
Child: “I was bored, and I took that from her room.”
Mom: “Okay… okay…. Did anything else happen?” fingers crossed, it’s not that bad.
Child: “I pushed the button and it tickled my finger.”
OMG…. no, no, no, no… sweet baby jesus…. Why?????? Crap.
Mom: trying to calm my panic…….. “Okay, thank you for being honest. I beg you, please stop going in her room. We are not allowed to touch things that are not ours. Please, please, don’t do that again, we don’t need our [roomie’s name], to get upset.”
She promised she wouldn’t go in there without permission again. Hoping she wouldn’t, now I need to tell the roomie. I called her cell, hoping she wouldn’t answer, due to driving home from work and it snowing. Nope. She answered. Crap.
Me: “Hey, remind me later that we need to talk about you and [child], not hanging out in your room, not even for cartoons anymore.”
Roomie: “What? Why? Is she okay? Was it my make-up?”
Me: “I’ll tell you when you get home… now is not the time, I don’t need you crashing the car. It can wait.”
Roomie: “No, tell me now…..”
She asked for it…. I told her exactly how it happened, even told her the thoughts going on in my head…. I’m a fun story-teller in person. When I got to the end where it tickled my kid’s finger… I paused to hear for a crash or something… Nope. Dead silence….. Finally an inhale of breath. She was laughing so hard, there was no noise. As a panicked mom, this is not funny. Finally, when she could breathe and mutter something. She said it’s worse than I think it is, she just pulled in the parking lot, she will tell me in a second. I proceed to meet her outside, so my daughter can’t accidentally overhear our conversation….
Roomie: Mind you she is still laughing…”i am sooo sorry… but so you know, that has five settings to turn it off…..”
The vibrator my daughter just had in her hands was shut off when she returned it….. FML.