Stupid Month of December

My psychiatrist suggested I have outside social interaction earlier this month. I told her all about attending Grinchmas, the Crystal River Christmas Parade, and Homosassa Boat Parade. She told me I passed with FLYING colors, laughed and ask i stop the outside social interaction. As I look back at it all…. It was a lot.


Grinchmas was exhausting. Never been before. We arrived about five, it started at three, and I’m told ends at nine. The line for pictures with Grinch was obscenely long….so we walked and checked out what else was to be seen. There was face painting. Small one was a christmas cat, older one was Jack the Pumpkin king…. We found some friends, and then it was jumping on bounce houses. There were five of them, and now four children, it was bounce house to bounce house hopping for them. As we adults waited, Peter pan saw a sign for something and disappeared into the masses. I stand there wondering if I would even see a glimpse of kids… No. He returns with what he says is magical sweetness….They were not what I was hoping, what I expected, and not even as close to sweet as I’d hope… I can’t lie to him, so his face was quite discouraged, but wouldn’t eat the rest of the fried Oreos himself. Our friend and peter pan decided to split up the kids, two to make sand necklaces, two to touch fake snow. I went with the mom to fake snow. What the hell is fake snow?????? Sounds horrible. Mom#2 was hoping it was real snow. No sweetie, it would have melted. I should know, I am from the great north of cold. (Long island and Central New York….snow belt to be exact, the place next to the giant lake that separates new york from Canada). I was there for the snowstorm of 93’……..the snow was so high, it was more than a story high, I wondered if I took one of my new siblings and dropped them off the roof, well, let’s just say I was predicting they wouldn’t come close to the ground. For the record, i didn’t do it. Gosh guys, it was a great thought for a science experiment.

So fake snow…… I didn’t touch it. I refused. Told mom #2 if she wanted to experience the real north, there was this true fun adventure of survival called, Black Ice. It’s where your true abilities are tested….. (bwahahahahaha, florida has no clue). I watched how these three touched the fake snow in weird amazement… and then one of the kids helping rake it, get pushed to a face plant and open mouth to the fake snow. Hope it’s not toxic. Normally I would have laughed, laughed til I had a pregnant fart, then looked embarrassed and blame it on a child, but I couldn’t. I was more grossed out it was fake snow, and now toxic this cold gel crap could be…. I assume it wasn’t flavored either. Mom #2 and her kid were talking about not eating snow, I asked why? She didn’t think it was okay. Fake snow no, real snow, yes, unless it was colored snow…..then no also. We all ate snow. Walk outside and stick your tongue out. Had something gross in your mouth, and there was nothing else around, grab snow, swoosh it and spit. It’s like really cold rain from the sky, most times, fluffy like feathers or clouds. Its snow….. But I keep forgetting where I am, and a good portion of these small town people have lived in this state their whole life, not visiting the north for family.

We find Peter pan, his best friend and two our other two kids. They are jumping and screaming and saying something about eating their necklaces. What? No, you don’t eat the sand. What the hell is wrong with you?????? Nope, i am wrong. Ladies and Gents….. It’s not sand.. It a lie. It’s sugar. A NECKLACE FULL OF COLORED FREAKING SUGAR…….NO, no, no, no, nope. Not happening. We are not eating those. It puts a pixie stick to shame in size. Why? Why? Why would anyone think that’s a great idea??? It’s like sending the kids to grandmas and sent back a child filled with sugar, colored like skittles, shake child and release……….nope. I am not accepting this. They could puke, they could act like animals, as if they are at an open field mosh pit… and collide. Punch me in the face first, sweet geez.

So we decide to attempt to proceed and see if the line for pictures went down. Nope. Mom #2’s daughter decides to freak out. (she has to get her way all the time, so it seems, I’ve never wanted to beat a kid so bad…ever) but she is not my child. She freaks about how long the line is, “there is like 200 people here, we can’t wait this long.” I breathe and simply say that this is not even close to 200 people, and it’s only the kids in the line having their pictures taken, so take the line and divide by half. Your mom wants these pictures, stop being so mean to her…. (mind you she already had a HUGE tantrum as we were getting to the line, about what, I don’t know or care, I made Peter pan go help the mom. If I would have done it, the kid would be walking to the car. God bless the mom, I would like to buy her a bottle….whiskey should do it). Now some woman is saying something to me… Yeah, can’t hear her. I simply state that I’m sorry, I am blonde and pregnant and heard none of what she said, she states after so many people in front of us, Grinch is done, we are standing here for our health. Well, thank you.

They proceed to see what else is around, I wait for them and peter pan who had to take our smallest to get her a damn plastic sugar necklace from the devil………Mom #2 comes to say there is nothing exciting. We decide to finish with bounce houses yet again. Peter pan calls, we aren’t in line, remind him where we are currently heading.

Guys, by now i am over it. I have not had fun. But it’s for the kids, so I stand there like always. I’m pregnant, and if i tried the bounce houses, I’m sure they would deflate…. I swear I hear the mean little girl say something like food and home… I assumed we are done. I started walking with the girls to the car. Apparently I was hearing things, and they were not leaving. By the time this registered in my prego brain, there was no way for my feet to walk back and say goodbye to the other mom. My legs were feeling like weights.

As we walk to the car, smallest one is thanking us, older one is mope-ing. She is mad they were rushed and blames the other girl. Well, guess what? I don’t care. I have been standing on my feet the whole time, with a little boy turning and kicking the whole time. Squeezing my bladder like a toy, and there is ABSOLUTELY no way I am going into a porta-potty. Nope, not having it. I don’t have a necklace made of colored crack sugar…. I didn’t go to play on a bounce house, I didn’t giggle with friends and have a good time…. I was on my feet the whole time, directing kids, holding jackets….Ungrateful something, something, something. (you  can fill in the ‘somethings’ how you feel it should be.)

Finally home. We send them to bed as soon as we could. My voice is getting lower as the minutes progress into the night. Peter pan thinks i am mad at him. No, I hurt. From half my prego belly down is all swollen, my legs look like tree trunks, i can not bend to pick anything up. I am afraid to sit, I might not get back up. I let him know it’s him and his bestie with video games for the night, I can’t play. As I finally sit, on my bed, I can’t lift my other leg….. It took an hour and half to get it up there. While sleeping, I woke up every time I wanted to shift or move positions, I woke up in pain and the boy had to pause his game to help me. This was only one event I have done this month……..Pineapples.


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